智慧

Dear 飛毛：
11/13是你們阿公的生日，從來沒有人會在這天為他慶生，因為他的身分證上寫的是12/25。
從小媽媽都會有點驕傲地跟人家說自己的爸爸跟聖誕老公公同一天生。

你們知道阿公怎麼慶生的嗎？他帶你們幾個小毛頭去買禮物送給你們。
他說：「看到他們很高興我就很快樂，這不就是祝我生日快樂？」

阿公是媽媽認識最有智慧的人了。

Grief

At this point, I knew he needed many extra pushes to get to where he should be. 
Developmentally, he was no where near his age.

He wasn't the child I wish for, may never be the adult either.

Along the way I've learned so much.

I've learned that a great physical therapist will not tell you that when first meeting your precious baby he truly believes that he will never walk. Instead he gently pushes him and teaches you how to work with him so that he can reach his full potential. And only when he is finally walking, he tells you the truth with such sincerity.

I've learned that no matter what, I will always be judged. I will be judged on my parenting when my child is having a meltdown because he is too overstimulated and does not have the ability to control his feelings. I will be judged if he freaks out because of a popsicle/chair/wanting to open a door before someone else does etc etc etc... Of course it's my fault, I've spoiled him too much. I've been judged by friends, family, strangers... I'd love to invite them to walk a mile in our shoes. They'd see that we aren't doing too bad actually. He has his moments, but he's also trying so hard.

I've learned that finding what works for him as far schooling is so, so tough. Either they push you transfer him out, or they are just not doing enough for him. Although eventually both him and I have some pretty awesome friends we've met through the schools.

I've learned that life is unpredictable. Plans you once had need to be changed, and you have to accept that and move on, and you may not able to move on, but you can move forward, day by day.

I've learned that I will never stop fighting for him. Never stop fighting to give him what he needs. Whatever that might take.

I've learned that good pediatricians are few and far between. And I'm so honored to know so many of them. 

I've learned that it's ok to cry, to hate this unfair life. I used to feel guilty. I felt guilty that I hated the cards we were dealt with while others had it so much worse. Sometimes you feel so overwhelmed that you wish you could take a 5 year nap and hope life could be a little easier when you wake up, and it's ok to cry because of it. Along with this, I've perfected my fake smile. Sometimes I'm falling apart on the inside, but smile through it all because I can't let those feelings get in the way of giving him the best life I can. I can't let him see just how broken I feel when things get extremely tough. I have to be positive for him.

I've learned so many, and I really want to share with him. So he can learn, too.

祝我永遠生日

親愛的毛毛：
你三歲了，文章的標題是妳送給自己的：「祝我永遠生日。」

妳的存在對我來說是不可思議的禮物。
從在肚子裡度日如年的十個月，到生出來的醫生說一切健康的那一瞬間。
這三年來，媽媽從來沒兇過妳。因為，就真的是沒那個需要。媽媽把跟飛飛的老師群學到的十八般武藝，只用了不到1成的功力在妳身上，就已經足夠。

帶妳去買果汁，妳總是記得哥哥也要一份。有人給妳糖果，妳總是會多要一個，也真的會留給哥哥。所有的道理妳都聽得懂，都可以好好溝通。出去看到哥哥最愛的時鐘、烏龜、蝸牛、噴水池，都會開心地大喊：「這是我的飛飛最愛的時鐘。」

幫妳吹頭髮的時候妳會幫我拿椅子在妳後頭，我在睡覺的時候妳會幫我蓋被子。
每天睡前妳會拿4本書，2本我念給你聽，2本妳唸給我聽。
妳在兩歲的時候問我：「媽媽，妳的手怎麼了？」妳快三歲的時候問我：「為什麼飛飛講話要這麼大聲，我講話小小聲妳們就聽到了，為什麼他不會小小聲就好？」

每次帶妳到媽媽公司，幫你買的那包糖果妳總是一個個同事發，沒有一次記得先留一顆給自己─人如其名，欣然給予。

媽媽常常誤以為妳是天才，然後上網查才發現其實妳就是正常。

正常然後比別人多一點點的大方、多一點點的表達能力、多一點點的同理心。

像媽媽多一點點。

飛飛自己一個人永遠拚不完的一片小拼圖，妳一口氣拚了8片。

只要飛飛不在，妳都會大聲的說「我成功了！」

只要飛飛在旁邊，妳便都不作聲。

妳的一切美好和能力，來的都是那樣的順其自然；而飛飛都得花上妳千萬倍的力氣和時間。

媽媽跟妳說。

媽媽的手是因為別人不小心，害我受傷了。

飛飛大聲是因為他生病了，不是故意的。

不是所有的美好，都能順其自然的發生。

也不是所有的努力，都一定會有美好的結果。

永遠生日，永遠快樂。

很難，但是個很美的願望。

祝妳生日快樂，謝謝妳來拯救我。

乾淨就不會被欺負

夜裡，喚醒你到廁所小便。
迷濛惺忪的你甚至沒脫尿布的力氣。

我在你耳邊輕輕說，尿乾淨。
你雙眼仍閉，卻接了我的話：乾淨就不會被欺負。

小時被欺負的孩子，都是功課差、其貌不揚，
重點是，身上有股異味，髒髒的。

你的功課要好，不容易。
你的樣貌是症候群的一部份，改不了。
能改的只有那股髒髒的味。

於是我，總是耳提面命，要你乾淨。
對粗手大腳，還是偶爾會亂滴的你。

半夜睡眼惺忪的你，已經記住了，
夜不成眠的我，泣不成聲。